treat yourself

I’ve always been ashamed of my image. how i look, what people think of me, my thoughts, how people see me. it terrifies me. but i know it shouldn’t. i wrote a list a while back, that had everything i was supposed to complete every day to be happy. it is one of the stupidest things i have ever done. yes, i want to be skinny. yes, i want clear skin. yes, i don’t want to be awkward. yes, i want my first impression on someone to be like “WOW!” yes, i dream. yes, i want to be loved. yes, i want to believe in myself. but creating a to do list to make that happen just made everything worse. because it turned into more of a list of thing is had to do, rather than a way to improve my health and self-confidence. there were tons of good thing on the list. but those good things add up into an overwhelming list of things i had to do. and i felt like if i didn’t do all of them, the right way, every day, then i was a failure. so i said screw you to the list and trashed it. i didn’t however, trash the good habits i had made. i took my favorite things, that made me happy, and added them into my daily routine. i made it a goal, not a to do list.

• drink more water everyday. is my goal to drink over 100 ounces every day.

• read my bible and spend time with God, everyday. pray, meditate, talk to him, be with him for a while. i try to do it in the morning, it helps me have a good start to my day.

• wear whatever the heck i want to every day. it doesn’t matter if other people like it or not, as long as i love it.

• eat healthy. when i eat healthy foods, i feel so so so so much better. the majority of the food i eat is healthy, but i still eat junk food, just because i like it.

• go outside. the fresh air is so good. i just take a few minutes and take it all in, because I’m not promised tomorrow, so i want to savor it like today is my last day to be alive.

• read something. i don’t care if i read a book, a magazine, an article, a textbook, or a quote i like. i read to learn. and you learn SO much when you read.

• exercise. even if its just a little, even if its just stretching or some yoga, i do SOMETHING everyday. i want to feel good in my own skin.

• listen to music. i LIVE for music. it tells so many stories. i love some, i hate some, i listen to some on repeat, and i skip some. but music makes me happy.

• get enough sleep. i like to stay up late, and sleep in, but its not always practical. and if I’m well rested, I’m much happier.

• do something nice for someone else. make their day. it can be as little as smiling at them or saying thank you.

• do something wild. something crazy. something you WANT to do. something that makes you happy. don’t mind if other people judge you.

the “list’ that i have now, isn’t really a list to me. its just things i do everyday. it feels like I’ve been doing them for forever now. every single thing makes me happy. and if for some reason I’m not happy with one of them that day, i don’t do it! big deal world! work on what makes YOU happy, not what makes other people happy. you’re not going to get anywhere if you only do things to please other people and not yourself. it doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t make you even 20% happy. so go and do something that makes you happy. you won’t regret it, i promise.

stay wild. xoxo

 

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reasons why

its not about how I feel or what I do. that doesn’t matter and it never will. it shouldn’t. I’m the girl everyone wants to run from. I’m the girl who doesn’t love herself. and I’m the girl who who is insecure and has no self confidence. I’m the girl who says I hate people. and I do, but not all of them. theres some that I really love. but they would never know that because I show no emotion and would never say that to any of them, because I’ve been rejected and laughed at too many times. I do not see myself as an attractive person, not even a pretty person. people say I’m pretty and attractive and I look good or my clothes make me look really nice. but I never truly believe them because I’m afraid that they are lying or just saying it to make me feel good. I’m not a extrovert. I’m the exact opposite. I’m the definition of an introvert. but I’m comfortable, and for the most part happy when I’m with the people I like.

people say that “you are your own worst critic.” which is so true. I beat myself up a lot because I don’t know what else to do. its been like that my whole life. I make myself feel horrible and its not something that goes away quickly. every time it goes away, it comes back a couple minutes, or hours, or days later. it chases me wherever I go and most of the time it catches me.

for some reason, it feels like God isn’t even here. like he isn’t paying attention and he doesn’t care. I feel so alone. my whole life, I’ve been told that Jesus is real and he is always there. and for as long as I can remember, I’ve had this fear that he’s just some big dude up in the sky, looking down and laughing because we all fell for his joke. its just a fear. that I’ve had for a really long time. and its my fault. I think I believe that he’s alive. because I’ve seen him do things. for me, for other people, I’ve heard people tell me stories about what God has done in their lives and I believe them. I believe in demons, heck yeah, they are there and they are trying to destroy me. and the saddest thing is that I’m letting them. I want somebody to prove to me that Jesus is real without using a bible, notes, anything Christian or religious. prove it to me with just history.

I’ve never been good at talking. and I’ve never liked it. I like writing how feel because I can take my time and say what I’m really feeling. soooo, if you read all of this, you’re amazing.

love wild.

hey

wild: uncultivated, uncontrollable, undisciplined and lawless.

love: a feeling of warm personal attachment, an intense or deep affection for another person or thing. a person toward whom love is felt.

its not something that is guaranteed by our society.

a few weeks ago, i woke up and didn’t want to move. i didn’t want to get out of bed or start my day. i didn’t love myself, much less, like myself. the few days before that, were filled with so much judgement and hatred directed toward me. and i let it get to me. those people, who were once close to me, my best friends –even some of them are my family– told me that i wasn’t good enough. that i wasn’t going to make it. that i was stupid and uneducated.

selfish. unrighteous.fat. incapable. not trustworthy. insecure. crazy. unloveable.

and i was all of those things. until i proved them wrong. love is not something you can make people have. you can only give it. you can’t take it, and you definitely can’t force it.

my point is, you don’t have many chances. you have almost none. but the best thing you can do, is to take the chance, and follow what your heart is telling you. and as cliche as that sounds, its true. your heart is the most honest thing in your body. and thats never going to change. its always going to be like that, because thats how its meant to be.

people say that before you can learn to love others, you must learn to love yourself. and while that is somewhat true, it also works the other way. before you can learn to love yourself, you must learn to love others. you have to put yourself out there, and learn how others love. learn their stories. love is a passion, that is not teachable. its only found through your heart. its a rare treasure that is only TRULY REAL through our God. love is happiness and true happiness is Him.

understand that. remember that. and

love wild.